Tuesday, July 27, 2004
On Weddings
It's wedding season, folks. Thus, we have . . .
My Top 10 Reasons Weddings Suck:
1. Because five times out of ten, you only know 1-5 people there. How much fun is that, watching a bunch of strangers have fun?
2. The creepy photographer. Where do these guys come from? And why do they act like they're capturing something for CNN? They're always running around like they're missing something . . . as if they didn't have a schedule. They're like some bad high school gossip queen, trying to put people together for a picture. And everyone, in this guy's opinion, looks great, just great, as long as you stand still, oh! lift your chin, oh! you're blocking the light!
3. All that drama. It's one day. One day. 1. But the bride's mother is on crack, she's so freaked out about anyone ruining her daughter's perfect day. It's enough to tire out a marathoner, just watching these women.
4. That crappy cardboard roller that holds the white sheet the bride walks in on. This is such a great metaphor for the whole day. This crappy thing -- that's obviously just a cheap piece of cardboard -- is what holds this supposedly regal item together. And the ushers can never get it right, can they? They're always bobbling it or fumbling for it. It's always getting stuck under the dress; someone's always looking really concerned about it. And it means nothing, doesn't it? All that money and all that time to put together this big, beautiful ceremony in which everything's just perfect -- perfect. So perfect that the bride -- this paragon of beauty and sociality -- walks in on her own special carpet . . . held together by a crappy cardboard roller.
5. The Dollar Dance. Who's the cheapo that thought up this one? You're telling me the bride and groom aren't getting enough dough, that they gotta come after guests for more cash, just to dance with 'em? And there's always that dated humor of guys dancing with guys and vice versa, but for the dollar dance, suddenly everyone finds it hilarious.
6. The ultra-conservative minister's speech. Yeah. On the day that these two people who love each other, on the day they have designated as the day they will join together as a family -- why not just bust out with a 15-minute sermon on how impressed you are that they chose the traditional route of marriage during a time in which so many other people are "trampling" on the sacrament of marriage? Yeah. Because I'm sure that's what these two people were thinking when they got together. I'm sure they said to each other, "First of all, I think I would like to marry you because you're a heterosexual, and that form of marriage is the one which honors God." Then, you know what, minister? How 'bout you follow that little ditty up with one about how demure and respectful the bride should be toward her husband at all times; how she should always wear decent clothes that will not offend him. How 'bout you toss that big old log on the fire for everyone to listen to? Because that'd be just classy.
7. The God-awful music. Why does it never change? What is it about weddings, that people have to hear the same damn songs? Why do people start getting -- not just angry, but -- pissed off if "YMCA" or "The Chicken Song" doesn't come on? What is it about these damn things that gets people so stuck in their boxes? Why are they so close-minded to hearing anything (God-forbid) new?
8. The pictures that take forever. Do they really need 5,300 pictures? Really? Because I know newlyweds. And, yes, they do typically have 10 - 15 pictures of themselves around the house. Yes, tacky -- I know, but that's a juicy post for another day. But do they need 5,300? Does it have to take hours and hours? And why are they taken between the ceremony and the reception? So you're gonna make 200 people wait 3 hours? Listen, all I want to do after that ceremony is drink. Eat and drink. But instead, there's all that sitting around, waiting for the wedding party, as if they were a rock and roll band. And it's not like they were out there creating photographic masterpieces, either. Which leads us to . . .
9. The picture of the bride and groom hiding behind a tree . . . and then . . . mysteriously finding each other! Whoo! That was a close one! Thought I lost you there! Cause this happens all the time, you and I getting dressed up like we'll never be dressed up again, and then running out in the woods to get lost between trees. Whoever thought of this picture ought to be taken out back and shot. Because now creepy photographer guys everywhere are shooting this corny shot. But that's not the end of it, is it? Sure on the wedding day, I'm the guy sitting back on the bench saying, "That's a ridiculously stupid picture." But then two months later, there I am in their house, looking at this same idiotic thing, framed for all time. Fuck you, creator of the hiding-behind-the-tree picture.
10. The receiving line. Again, the creator of this waste of everyone's time needs some form of torture to atone for what he or she brought upon the world. Here's the great irony of the receiving line: EVERYONE HATES IT. Everyone. The bride and groom. The wedding party. The parents. The guests. Everyone hates it. Everyone. Yet we all have to go through it. Fucking ridiculous.
My Top 10 Reasons Weddings Suck:
1. Because five times out of ten, you only know 1-5 people there. How much fun is that, watching a bunch of strangers have fun?
2. The creepy photographer. Where do these guys come from? And why do they act like they're capturing something for CNN? They're always running around like they're missing something . . . as if they didn't have a schedule. They're like some bad high school gossip queen, trying to put people together for a picture. And everyone, in this guy's opinion, looks great, just great, as long as you stand still, oh! lift your chin, oh! you're blocking the light!
3. All that drama. It's one day. One day. 1. But the bride's mother is on crack, she's so freaked out about anyone ruining her daughter's perfect day. It's enough to tire out a marathoner, just watching these women.
4. That crappy cardboard roller that holds the white sheet the bride walks in on. This is such a great metaphor for the whole day. This crappy thing -- that's obviously just a cheap piece of cardboard -- is what holds this supposedly regal item together. And the ushers can never get it right, can they? They're always bobbling it or fumbling for it. It's always getting stuck under the dress; someone's always looking really concerned about it. And it means nothing, doesn't it? All that money and all that time to put together this big, beautiful ceremony in which everything's just perfect -- perfect. So perfect that the bride -- this paragon of beauty and sociality -- walks in on her own special carpet . . . held together by a crappy cardboard roller.
5. The Dollar Dance. Who's the cheapo that thought up this one? You're telling me the bride and groom aren't getting enough dough, that they gotta come after guests for more cash, just to dance with 'em? And there's always that dated humor of guys dancing with guys and vice versa, but for the dollar dance, suddenly everyone finds it hilarious.
6. The ultra-conservative minister's speech. Yeah. On the day that these two people who love each other, on the day they have designated as the day they will join together as a family -- why not just bust out with a 15-minute sermon on how impressed you are that they chose the traditional route of marriage during a time in which so many other people are "trampling" on the sacrament of marriage? Yeah. Because I'm sure that's what these two people were thinking when they got together. I'm sure they said to each other, "First of all, I think I would like to marry you because you're a heterosexual, and that form of marriage is the one which honors God." Then, you know what, minister? How 'bout you follow that little ditty up with one about how demure and respectful the bride should be toward her husband at all times; how she should always wear decent clothes that will not offend him. How 'bout you toss that big old log on the fire for everyone to listen to? Because that'd be just classy.
7. The God-awful music. Why does it never change? What is it about weddings, that people have to hear the same damn songs? Why do people start getting -- not just angry, but -- pissed off if "YMCA" or "The Chicken Song" doesn't come on? What is it about these damn things that gets people so stuck in their boxes? Why are they so close-minded to hearing anything (God-forbid) new?
8. The pictures that take forever. Do they really need 5,300 pictures? Really? Because I know newlyweds. And, yes, they do typically have 10 - 15 pictures of themselves around the house. Yes, tacky -- I know, but that's a juicy post for another day. But do they need 5,300? Does it have to take hours and hours? And why are they taken between the ceremony and the reception? So you're gonna make 200 people wait 3 hours? Listen, all I want to do after that ceremony is drink. Eat and drink. But instead, there's all that sitting around, waiting for the wedding party, as if they were a rock and roll band. And it's not like they were out there creating photographic masterpieces, either. Which leads us to . . .
9. The picture of the bride and groom hiding behind a tree . . . and then . . . mysteriously finding each other! Whoo! That was a close one! Thought I lost you there! Cause this happens all the time, you and I getting dressed up like we'll never be dressed up again, and then running out in the woods to get lost between trees. Whoever thought of this picture ought to be taken out back and shot. Because now creepy photographer guys everywhere are shooting this corny shot. But that's not the end of it, is it? Sure on the wedding day, I'm the guy sitting back on the bench saying, "That's a ridiculously stupid picture." But then two months later, there I am in their house, looking at this same idiotic thing, framed for all time. Fuck you, creator of the hiding-behind-the-tree picture.
10. The receiving line. Again, the creator of this waste of everyone's time needs some form of torture to atone for what he or she brought upon the world. Here's the great irony of the receiving line: EVERYONE HATES IT. Everyone. The bride and groom. The wedding party. The parents. The guests. Everyone hates it. Everyone. Yet we all have to go through it. Fucking ridiculous.
