Tuesday, January 11, 2005
Will's Advice for Men During Pregnancy, Volume 1: The Top Priority
Top priority is simple: Make her happy. Accomplishing this task-- humanly impossible.
You are Custer, on your Last Stand, fighting your tail off, knowing your time has come. Keep fighting. There is really nothing you can do to combat all that you're up against: headaches, puking, cramping, puking, back pain, puking, self-consciousness about her shape, puking, slow-walking, puking, eating every day at 2:30 am, puking, poor vision, puking, terrible selection at the maternity stores, puking, increase in her shoe size, puking, spontaneous crying at every commercial with a baby in it, puking, harder to breathe with a kid in her ribs, puking, inability to fall asleep, puking, tingling in the legs, puking, being too hot, puking, being too cold, puking, acne, puking, the weight gain, puking, stretch marks, puking, that line down the middle of her belly, and puking.
That's what you're up against.
Just do what you can. If she wants brownies at 1:30 am, go to the 24-hour grocery store and buy some. By the way -- don't get her a Hershey's bar, damnit. She said she specifically wanted brownies, not a chocolate bar. Can't you tell the difference? Oh, I guess you're too busy being not pregnant to listen, huh?
When she's uncomfortable on the couch, notice this before she says so. She will. And you won't catch it the first few times. Just make an effort, when she sits down, to ask: do you need a pillow, can I get you a blanket, want something to drink, should I get your pre-natal vitamins, etc.
Want extra credit? There really is no such thing as extra credit in a losing enterprise such as being the responsible party in the pregnant relationship. But the closest you can get to extra credit is the spontaneous, matter-of-fact comment. For example, when she's dressing for work, tell her, "Hey, you look great in that." But don't say it in a way that sounds as if you've thought about it, otherwise you might as well just walk out back and start digging your own grave. What works best (for me, anyway) is saying, "You really look so much smaller than all the other pregnant women I've seen lately." Nothing like a little competition to make her feel better.
Do what you can to make her happy. Find what works for you. Those are a couple things that worked for me. Just don't expect to win. Don't expect to win some award for best husband during pregnancy. You're not playing to win. This is about survival.
You are Custer, on your Last Stand, fighting your tail off, knowing your time has come. Keep fighting. There is really nothing you can do to combat all that you're up against: headaches, puking, cramping, puking, back pain, puking, self-consciousness about her shape, puking, slow-walking, puking, eating every day at 2:30 am, puking, poor vision, puking, terrible selection at the maternity stores, puking, increase in her shoe size, puking, spontaneous crying at every commercial with a baby in it, puking, harder to breathe with a kid in her ribs, puking, inability to fall asleep, puking, tingling in the legs, puking, being too hot, puking, being too cold, puking, acne, puking, the weight gain, puking, stretch marks, puking, that line down the middle of her belly, and puking.
That's what you're up against.
Just do what you can. If she wants brownies at 1:30 am, go to the 24-hour grocery store and buy some. By the way -- don't get her a Hershey's bar, damnit. She said she specifically wanted brownies, not a chocolate bar. Can't you tell the difference? Oh, I guess you're too busy being not pregnant to listen, huh?
When she's uncomfortable on the couch, notice this before she says so. She will. And you won't catch it the first few times. Just make an effort, when she sits down, to ask: do you need a pillow, can I get you a blanket, want something to drink, should I get your pre-natal vitamins, etc.
Want extra credit? There really is no such thing as extra credit in a losing enterprise such as being the responsible party in the pregnant relationship. But the closest you can get to extra credit is the spontaneous, matter-of-fact comment. For example, when she's dressing for work, tell her, "Hey, you look great in that." But don't say it in a way that sounds as if you've thought about it, otherwise you might as well just walk out back and start digging your own grave. What works best (for me, anyway) is saying, "You really look so much smaller than all the other pregnant women I've seen lately." Nothing like a little competition to make her feel better.
Do what you can to make her happy. Find what works for you. Those are a couple things that worked for me. Just don't expect to win. Don't expect to win some award for best husband during pregnancy. You're not playing to win. This is about survival.
