Monday, January 31, 2005
Will's Advice for Men During Pregnancy, Volume 3: The 5 Biggest Mistakes You Can Make
5.) Don't show any sort of reluctance or hesitancy about the pregnancy, especially out in public. Otherwise, you give the pregnant lady the excuse to exploit this weakness. Kind of like the time the wife and I were in a crowded shopping mall when she began talking about breast feeding. Perhaps my response was too quiet, too reserved, too obvious. Because she spent the rest of the afternoon, walking around the mall, saying things like, "Oh, Will! Will! Do you think this will look good on me even when my BREAST MILK comes in? What? You know about BREAST MILK, don't you, Will. BREAST MILK is what our baby will drink."
4.) If the pregnant lady wants to go to the hospital early, and you know it's not "the time" -- go. Do not try to reason with her. She will soon be humbled by the calm voices of the maternity nurses who will tell her it's not the time. This will, definitely, be a waste of your time. Go. Don't fight her. You're just asking for that conversation when she says, "Oh, and I suppose you know what a 'real' contraction is, huh, Mr.? You're only the person responsible for all this!"
3.) Looking at other women or even those intriguing "Girls Gone Wild" commercials they show on late-night TV -- not a bright idea while the pregnant lady is in the room.
2.) "I'm hungry." From first-hand experience, I can tell you you're -- in the words of the insurance company -- stupid, stupid, stupid, if you elect to go for a run, telling her, "We'll eat when I get back." Run later. Eat now.
1.) The two of you are in the car. She casually mentions, "I have to go." You've got three options:
(a.) Pull over right now, find the nearest gas station or McDonald's, and pray you make it in time.
(b.) Ask her how bad it is, what time frame you're looking at -- how long she can hold it.
(c.) Tell her "OK", "I know", and that, "We'll be there soon."
If you answered:
(a.) You've got a chance. Best of luck to you.
(b.) What are you, stupid? Don't talk about it -- she's got a fricking bowling ball on her bladder. It's like going through daily life at a 50-minute level of the century club drinking game -- and you, you're asking how she's doing.
(c.) And you. You just deserve to be pushed out of a moving locomotive.
4.) If the pregnant lady wants to go to the hospital early, and you know it's not "the time" -- go. Do not try to reason with her. She will soon be humbled by the calm voices of the maternity nurses who will tell her it's not the time. This will, definitely, be a waste of your time. Go. Don't fight her. You're just asking for that conversation when she says, "Oh, and I suppose you know what a 'real' contraction is, huh, Mr.? You're only the person responsible for all this!"
3.) Looking at other women or even those intriguing "Girls Gone Wild" commercials they show on late-night TV -- not a bright idea while the pregnant lady is in the room.
2.) "I'm hungry." From first-hand experience, I can tell you you're -- in the words of the insurance company -- stupid, stupid, stupid, if you elect to go for a run, telling her, "We'll eat when I get back." Run later. Eat now.
1.) The two of you are in the car. She casually mentions, "I have to go." You've got three options:
(a.) Pull over right now, find the nearest gas station or McDonald's, and pray you make it in time.
(b.) Ask her how bad it is, what time frame you're looking at -- how long she can hold it.
(c.) Tell her "OK", "I know", and that, "We'll be there soon."
If you answered:
(a.) You've got a chance. Best of luck to you.
(b.) What are you, stupid? Don't talk about it -- she's got a fricking bowling ball on her bladder. It's like going through daily life at a 50-minute level of the century club drinking game -- and you, you're asking how she's doing.
(c.) And you. You just deserve to be pushed out of a moving locomotive.
