Thursday, March 31, 2005
Here, Here, Readers: "Be True to Yourself!" and "Live Your Dreams!"
I ate a piece of Dove chocolate today. The inside of the wrapper told me to "Be true to yourself."
What the hell does that mean?
Does it mean I've been cheating on myself? If so, I want to know who with, because that's one lucky son of a . . . .
Why do companies try to sway me by uttering such vapid devotion to cliched principles that never had any meaning? Better: why doesn't someone finally tell me to not be true to myself? I've been true for almost 28 years now, and look where I am . . . . Maybe it's time to start lying to myself. That's it! That's what I will do: from this day forward, I SHALL LIE TO MYSELF!
And none of you will stop me.
The next chocolate read: "Live your dreams." This is just utter nonsense. If I truly were to live my dreams, then the following would happen to me (in no real order -- dreams don't have much order, do they?):
1.) I would be a porn star.
2.) I would be able to fly through a low valley.
3.) I would be able to open up my elbow and peer down my forearm to see the inside of my hand.
4.) I would barely escape a dusty video arcade in West Virginia.
5.) My tenants would kill me with knives and firearms.
And that, folks, is at least three reasons not to "Live your dreams."
What the hell does that mean?
Does it mean I've been cheating on myself? If so, I want to know who with, because that's one lucky son of a . . . .
Why do companies try to sway me by uttering such vapid devotion to cliched principles that never had any meaning? Better: why doesn't someone finally tell me to not be true to myself? I've been true for almost 28 years now, and look where I am . . . . Maybe it's time to start lying to myself. That's it! That's what I will do: from this day forward, I SHALL LIE TO MYSELF!
And none of you will stop me.
The next chocolate read: "Live your dreams." This is just utter nonsense. If I truly were to live my dreams, then the following would happen to me (in no real order -- dreams don't have much order, do they?):
1.) I would be a porn star.
2.) I would be able to fly through a low valley.
3.) I would be able to open up my elbow and peer down my forearm to see the inside of my hand.
4.) I would barely escape a dusty video arcade in West Virginia.
5.) My tenants would kill me with knives and firearms.
And that, folks, is at least three reasons not to "Live your dreams."
