Friday, April 29, 2005
Attention: Amateur Thief At My Place Of Business -- Your Jig Is Up
To: Ms. XXXXX XXXX, pathetic amateur thief
From: Will & his cube neighbor
We just wanted to order some Pizza Shuttle. We were so damn hungry. All we wanted was our BLTs with fries. Why did you have to make it so uncomfortable?
I don't know how you found out we were ordering, but you did. Being the nice guy that I am . . . . Scratch that. Being the kind of guy who can't say "No", I agreed to put your order in with ours. I gave you the menu. You looked at the menu. You saw the prices, I know you did. Then YOU placed the order.
You thought you were pretty smart, didn't you? Didn't you? You just sent Donny back to my desk with your $10.00 and a note saying the bill was $34.53. Now, Ms. Thief, I am a fool in the ways of many things. I know not what makes the world go round. I know, let's be honest, precious little 'bout lots. But I know this. I and my respected cube neighbor did not purchase $13.00-BLT's. Unless these BLT's were to come in wrappings of gold, they were to be the usual, $5.00-BLT's.
You see -- we were willing to go it alone. But given your hunger (I saw you drooling at the menu), fine! Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine. You ordered with us. And hey -- we were willing to put our cash in for delivery and tax. But that didn't mean a thing to you, did it? Oh, no. You had to go one further, didn't you? Didn't you? You just had to order a sandwich, full nachos, and a shake. And then when I came to your desk to tell you that your order was . . . oh, just a tad more than that measly $10.00 bill you sent our way, you summoned up the audacity -- you even looked me in the eyes as if I was breaking some cultural more -- to tell me, "Oh, really? I only have a 'ten'. I can pay you back some time."
The Actors Studio could have learned a thing or two from the surprise and inflection you gave your voice on that "Oh, really?" And I liked that "some time" you added to the end. As in, "some time" my dog might grow wings and fly around the block, shitting on my next-door neighbor. As in, "some time" I might go out back and actually plant that money tree of mine. As in, "some time" Rush Limbaugh might decide he'll support Hillary in '08. As in, "some time" you might think to remember to bring in a couple, three dollars to pay us because we paid for you to enjoy fucking full nachos, burger and shake!
Therefore, let me re-state: Attention, Ms. Thief -- we are not your food whores. We don't even sit by you. We don't even know you. So stop acting like we are your food bitches. We are not your food bitches. We just wanted BLTs.
I'm just presenting the facts, stating our case right here, right now, so that you know that we know that you know.
From: Will & his cube neighbor
We just wanted to order some Pizza Shuttle. We were so damn hungry. All we wanted was our BLTs with fries. Why did you have to make it so uncomfortable?
I don't know how you found out we were ordering, but you did. Being the nice guy that I am . . . . Scratch that. Being the kind of guy who can't say "No", I agreed to put your order in with ours. I gave you the menu. You looked at the menu. You saw the prices, I know you did. Then YOU placed the order.
You thought you were pretty smart, didn't you? Didn't you? You just sent Donny back to my desk with your $10.00 and a note saying the bill was $34.53. Now, Ms. Thief, I am a fool in the ways of many things. I know not what makes the world go round. I know, let's be honest, precious little 'bout lots. But I know this. I and my respected cube neighbor did not purchase $13.00-BLT's. Unless these BLT's were to come in wrappings of gold, they were to be the usual, $5.00-BLT's.
You see -- we were willing to go it alone. But given your hunger (I saw you drooling at the menu), fine! Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine. You ordered with us. And hey -- we were willing to put our cash in for delivery and tax. But that didn't mean a thing to you, did it? Oh, no. You had to go one further, didn't you? Didn't you? You just had to order a sandwich, full nachos, and a shake. And then when I came to your desk to tell you that your order was . . . oh, just a tad more than that measly $10.00 bill you sent our way, you summoned up the audacity -- you even looked me in the eyes as if I was breaking some cultural more -- to tell me, "Oh, really? I only have a 'ten'. I can pay you back some time."
The Actors Studio could have learned a thing or two from the surprise and inflection you gave your voice on that "Oh, really?" And I liked that "some time" you added to the end. As in, "some time" my dog might grow wings and fly around the block, shitting on my next-door neighbor. As in, "some time" I might go out back and actually plant that money tree of mine. As in, "some time" Rush Limbaugh might decide he'll support Hillary in '08. As in, "some time" you might think to remember to bring in a couple, three dollars to pay us because we paid for you to enjoy fucking full nachos, burger and shake!
Therefore, let me re-state: Attention, Ms. Thief -- we are not your food whores. We don't even sit by you. We don't even know you. So stop acting like we are your food bitches. We are not your food bitches. We just wanted BLTs.
I'm just presenting the facts, stating our case right here, right now, so that you know that we know that you know.
