Monday, May 23, 2005
Finding the Worst
Ladies and gentlemen, I've done it. I've found my "Worst Movie Ever". Last night at the video store -- as usual, I paced the horror aisle before hitting New Releases. Nothing really jumped out at me until I found this little disc promising a disturbing little anthology of stories "not for the feint of heart". I bit.
Cradle of Fear -- and you can read my review on the linked site -- is all of these things:
• British horror. I can't really tell you why this doesn't work. I know there have been British horror films that have worked, like the Hammer films. But it really, really doesn't work.
• Shot on videotape, so the entire viewing experience feels like you're watching a high school student's end-of-year film project.
• Gore and splatter effects that are so poorly executed . . . again, hard to imagine anyone over the age of 17 was involved.
• They must have recorded all audio while filming, because the dialog is almost entirely in the background; conversely, the sound effects -- utterly obvious foley noises abound -- and terrible, British synth-metal overwhelm the audio.
• No causation. There's no reason anything happens. It all just . . . happens.
• Not a single likeable character.
• All sorts of T&A . . . but you'll leave wishing they kept their clothes on. Not pretty. Take my word on this. Some things should not be shaped like reflected cones.
• Predictable in every scene. What's worse -- each vignette is about a half-hour long. So even though you know what's going to happen in the first 5 minutes of each piece, you have to struggle through a half-hour of dreck.
• Total running time of 120 minutes long! If you've got a bad horror film on your hands, please, keep it to the industry-standard 90 minutes!
• Astonishingly, the dvd includes a brief "making of" video, in which listeners are treated to watching how the dreadful effects were achieved; all throughout the video, the director is heard, saying: "Oh, that's smashing. Just smashing. Oh, lovely. Lovely. That's just brilliant. Brilliant."
I guess the consolation is I can only go up from here.
Cradle of Fear -- and you can read my review on the linked site -- is all of these things:
• British horror. I can't really tell you why this doesn't work. I know there have been British horror films that have worked, like the Hammer films. But it really, really doesn't work.
• Shot on videotape, so the entire viewing experience feels like you're watching a high school student's end-of-year film project.
• Gore and splatter effects that are so poorly executed . . . again, hard to imagine anyone over the age of 17 was involved.
• They must have recorded all audio while filming, because the dialog is almost entirely in the background; conversely, the sound effects -- utterly obvious foley noises abound -- and terrible, British synth-metal overwhelm the audio.
• No causation. There's no reason anything happens. It all just . . . happens.
• Not a single likeable character.
• All sorts of T&A . . . but you'll leave wishing they kept their clothes on. Not pretty. Take my word on this. Some things should not be shaped like reflected cones.
• Predictable in every scene. What's worse -- each vignette is about a half-hour long. So even though you know what's going to happen in the first 5 minutes of each piece, you have to struggle through a half-hour of dreck.
• Total running time of 120 minutes long! If you've got a bad horror film on your hands, please, keep it to the industry-standard 90 minutes!
• Astonishingly, the dvd includes a brief "making of" video, in which listeners are treated to watching how the dreadful effects were achieved; all throughout the video, the director is heard, saying: "Oh, that's smashing. Just smashing. Oh, lovely. Lovely. That's just brilliant. Brilliant."
I guess the consolation is I can only go up from here.
