Thursday, May 12, 2005
To The Rescue
Marquette University needs a new nickname. They just can't seem to get it right. So they're polling the student body. Alumni are e-mailing. Trustees are trusting. And I, always one to lend a hand when I see a party in such dire need, have my submissions at the ready:
1.) Marquette Warriors
"It's sooooooo offensive to Native Americans." I happen to think of a warrior as a positive image. For example, after a race in which someone's run his heart out, someone may say, "You were a warrior out there." So take that, close-minded Marquette. Number one! Right atcha!
2.) Marquette Golden Avalanche
This name is so utterly ridiculous . . . . that it just has to be the one. Apparently this was the name of Marquette's football squad back in the 1920s and 1930s, so we'd be reinstating a sense of history, right? Even though, well, there's no football team anymore -- it doesn't matter. When an act of nature is used as a sports monicker, it sounds so idiotic . . . . which, in this alternate-reality type of situation we're in . . . . seems almost perfect to me.
3.) Marquette Hilltoppers
Also the name of Marquette Highschool's sports team. Therefore, I want this one just to piss off the local paper who would be at constant pains to delineate between the two. Again, there would be a sense of returning to history, as this was the name prior to "Warriors".
4.) Marquette Mannequins
Love that alliteration. Plus, it's a fair criticism of their defense last year.
5.) Marquette Jumpin' Jesuits
Heard this one on the radio today. Just sort of lays it all out there, doesn't it? Jesuits. Jumpin'. It's basketball. Can't offend the Indians, so we'll offend the Jesuits. It's not a real nickname unless we offend somebody. And justice isn't really served in America unless offense is taken.
6.) Marquette Marquette
When in doubt, repeat. It kind of goes with that whole "We are Marquette" thing, doesn't it? I mean, with a nickname like this -- that is, a nickname without any nick -- there can be no doubt. The chant could even be extended: "We are Marquette, Marquette! We are Marquette, Marquette!" Say it aloud to yourself -- works, doesn't it? No? Keep trying.
7.) Marquette Platters
It has kind of a 1950s-diner quality to it. Serving up some dinner with that basketball game. Hey, no one's accused this city of not being well-fed.
8.) Marquette Golden Boys
The university seems so stuck on "gold", that I thought I should include this. Plus, most students that attend Marquette seem to think they're pretty golden, so it fits. What would the women's team call themselves? You haven't guessed? Come on, it's perfect: the Marquette Golden Girls, a great name, and a tribute to fine 1980s television -- all at once!
9.) Marquette Milwaukee
Not that the city needs any advertisement, but if you go out-of-state, many basketball fans don't know where Marquette is. This name solves that problem. Furthermore, it would create the not-so-wild notion that Milwaukee is a state, and Marquette is its own sovereign city within it.
10.) Marquette Manure
We're coming to stink up your basketball stadium! Woo-hooo! Tell me that isn't catchy enough for you.
1.) Marquette Warriors
"It's sooooooo offensive to Native Americans." I happen to think of a warrior as a positive image. For example, after a race in which someone's run his heart out, someone may say, "You were a warrior out there." So take that, close-minded Marquette. Number one! Right atcha!
2.) Marquette Golden Avalanche
This name is so utterly ridiculous . . . . that it just has to be the one. Apparently this was the name of Marquette's football squad back in the 1920s and 1930s, so we'd be reinstating a sense of history, right? Even though, well, there's no football team anymore -- it doesn't matter. When an act of nature is used as a sports monicker, it sounds so idiotic . . . . which, in this alternate-reality type of situation we're in . . . . seems almost perfect to me.
3.) Marquette Hilltoppers
Also the name of Marquette Highschool's sports team. Therefore, I want this one just to piss off the local paper who would be at constant pains to delineate between the two. Again, there would be a sense of returning to history, as this was the name prior to "Warriors".
4.) Marquette Mannequins
Love that alliteration. Plus, it's a fair criticism of their defense last year.
5.) Marquette Jumpin' Jesuits
Heard this one on the radio today. Just sort of lays it all out there, doesn't it? Jesuits. Jumpin'. It's basketball. Can't offend the Indians, so we'll offend the Jesuits. It's not a real nickname unless we offend somebody. And justice isn't really served in America unless offense is taken.
6.) Marquette Marquette
When in doubt, repeat. It kind of goes with that whole "We are Marquette" thing, doesn't it? I mean, with a nickname like this -- that is, a nickname without any nick -- there can be no doubt. The chant could even be extended: "We are Marquette, Marquette! We are Marquette, Marquette!" Say it aloud to yourself -- works, doesn't it? No? Keep trying.
7.) Marquette Platters
It has kind of a 1950s-diner quality to it. Serving up some dinner with that basketball game. Hey, no one's accused this city of not being well-fed.
8.) Marquette Golden Boys
The university seems so stuck on "gold", that I thought I should include this. Plus, most students that attend Marquette seem to think they're pretty golden, so it fits. What would the women's team call themselves? You haven't guessed? Come on, it's perfect: the Marquette Golden Girls, a great name, and a tribute to fine 1980s television -- all at once!
9.) Marquette Milwaukee
Not that the city needs any advertisement, but if you go out-of-state, many basketball fans don't know where Marquette is. This name solves that problem. Furthermore, it would create the not-so-wild notion that Milwaukee is a state, and Marquette is its own sovereign city within it.
10.) Marquette Manure
We're coming to stink up your basketball stadium! Woo-hooo! Tell me that isn't catchy enough for you.
