Sunday, January 28, 2007
Birth Control
Saturday
It was more timing and luck than anything else. The boy had taken an interest in the bathroom, so the wife bought him a little throne to sit on. It plays a song when he does his business (one or two). He only recently turned two, so I thought this was all a bit premature. But then, after dinner Saturday night, there he was, sitting on the stump with his pants around his ankles, reading a book. Then he peed. The wife got it on tape. Her smile glowed.
That was before he stood up, turned around, put his hand down into the bowl, and put his hand into his mouth.
And, no, we aren't sending anything in to America's Funniest Home Videos. She turned the camera off right as he stood up. No $10,000 for us. We've got a setup without a punchline.
Sunday
My wife has had her mind set on getting an ottoman for the couch for a while. I don't know why; seems to me if we add any more furniture to the home, no one will be able to walk anymore around here. But when she mentioned that she wanted to go to some "going out of business" furniture sale, I didn't really have the energy to argue.
Plus, I like going to furniture stores. I like sitting in the chairs. Deciding what a certain piece is ghetto or not. Checking to see if a bookcase has just a cheap cardboard backing or whether they use plywood. Seeing if the drawers are dove-tailed. It's good, nitpicking fun.
When we had seen all the ottomans this place had and found none my wife liked, we decided we'd make a circle of the points of the store we missed to catch any potential deals before leaving. This is kind of our standard operating procedure when it comes to browsing at a store we both don't mind being in.
I found a nice office set we probably couldn't afford. It had drawer-pulls on the front just for decoration -- I didn't like that. Otherwise, it was nice, and as the wife and boy walked ahead of me, I took a look at some accessory pieces. It was then that I heard the crash.
Coming to the scene of the crime, I saw a salesman trying to fit a clock back into a decorative shell. Surely the results of my son, I thought. But I couldn't stop to ask how it had happened -- there was another crash. A very loud, shattering crash. I rounded the corner to witness a four-foot tall vase being saved by my wife and a second salesman from certain destruction. My son was cackling. Beside him, on the floor, lay the shards of the other vase. I guess it had been a twin set.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the fastest way to spend $524 without having to drive around back to the loading dock.
"I want to thank you for sticking around here, sir. A lot of people would have ditched out of here," the manager told me.
"I guess we're not going to Florida in March," I told my wife.
"We have the devil for a son," my wife said.
It was more timing and luck than anything else. The boy had taken an interest in the bathroom, so the wife bought him a little throne to sit on. It plays a song when he does his business (one or two). He only recently turned two, so I thought this was all a bit premature. But then, after dinner Saturday night, there he was, sitting on the stump with his pants around his ankles, reading a book. Then he peed. The wife got it on tape. Her smile glowed.
That was before he stood up, turned around, put his hand down into the bowl, and put his hand into his mouth.
And, no, we aren't sending anything in to America's Funniest Home Videos. She turned the camera off right as he stood up. No $10,000 for us. We've got a setup without a punchline.
Sunday
My wife has had her mind set on getting an ottoman for the couch for a while. I don't know why; seems to me if we add any more furniture to the home, no one will be able to walk anymore around here. But when she mentioned that she wanted to go to some "going out of business" furniture sale, I didn't really have the energy to argue.
Plus, I like going to furniture stores. I like sitting in the chairs. Deciding what a certain piece is ghetto or not. Checking to see if a bookcase has just a cheap cardboard backing or whether they use plywood. Seeing if the drawers are dove-tailed. It's good, nitpicking fun.
When we had seen all the ottomans this place had and found none my wife liked, we decided we'd make a circle of the points of the store we missed to catch any potential deals before leaving. This is kind of our standard operating procedure when it comes to browsing at a store we both don't mind being in.
I found a nice office set we probably couldn't afford. It had drawer-pulls on the front just for decoration -- I didn't like that. Otherwise, it was nice, and as the wife and boy walked ahead of me, I took a look at some accessory pieces. It was then that I heard the crash.
Coming to the scene of the crime, I saw a salesman trying to fit a clock back into a decorative shell. Surely the results of my son, I thought. But I couldn't stop to ask how it had happened -- there was another crash. A very loud, shattering crash. I rounded the corner to witness a four-foot tall vase being saved by my wife and a second salesman from certain destruction. My son was cackling. Beside him, on the floor, lay the shards of the other vase. I guess it had been a twin set.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the fastest way to spend $524 without having to drive around back to the loading dock.
"I want to thank you for sticking around here, sir. A lot of people would have ditched out of here," the manager told me.
"I guess we're not going to Florida in March," I told my wife.
"We have the devil for a son," my wife said.
