Thursday, May 24, 2007
Shaped Like Ribs
I have been told that I'm not allowed to write about why my car smells like urine after _______ drove it, so I will not write about why I had to sit on a towel on my way home from work with the windows open. Even though I really want to write about these things. I will not.
I would much rather write about some of the late night advertisements I've been seeing. Like the one for ExtenZe. Any product selling its merits on the premise that it is "real science" must be taken seriously. Ah, yes: real science. What really kills me about these ads is when the woman shakes her head at the camera while saying "make": "ExtenZe will make you bigger..." Why does she shake her head at that point of the sentence? To me, all these products have nothing to lose. What guy is going to complain that these products don't work? What if the company requires a measurement? Photographic evidence? This is free money, as far as I see it. Get a silly name; pay a brunette to wag her head in front of a camera; bam -- you're rich.
Or I could write about how I thought about attending Lollapalooza this summer. Pretty much all of the greatest bands of the moment will be there: Pearl Jam, The Black Keys, Modest Mouse, The Cribs, Spoon, The Fratellis, Chin Up Chin Up, Ryan Shaw, Ben Harper, The Satin Peaches, LCD, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Archid, and probably some more I am forgetting. It's at Grant Park over three days in August. I'm familiar with Grant Park. It's a big, open space. That's it. I'm sure there will be a couple tents, but that's all. So I figured that I could conn the wife into going with me, at least for a day, if not the full three. She's not as much of a trooper, as far as the whole rock concert thing, but I think I can convert her yet. And I know it will be hot. But it's all for rock and roll, so who cares? And, yes, I am getting old. Granted. But I'm not THAT old. I can still kick it with the Lolla kids for another year. I know the music. That's all that matters. So I went to the website:
Only $195.00 for a three-day pass.
I will not be kicking it with the Lolla kids at Grant Park this summer. But it's not just the money that bothers me. I know the sound quality is iffy at this place. And seats are only as good as you can walk up to (or stand and wait for). According to the Lolla people, there will be 8 -- count 'em -- 8 stages of music at this thing. I don't know how you squeeze that many stages at the park without the music running together and sounding like crap. Additionally . . . they don't even have the schedule set yet. They expect you to plop down a load of cash, not even knowing when (much less what day) band X is playing. Also, what if two bands I want to see are playing at the same time? That's what I get for my 200 smackeroos? Uh-uh. Playing around on the website, I see they also have "Lolla Lounge" tickets available for a mere $1,700. Or if you're Derek Jeter, they have "Private Cabanas" for anywhere from $32,500-$75,000. I don't know what else to call this but just fucking greedy.
I would also like to write about the phrase, "Pork meat shaped into ribs," but I seem to have run out of steam. I still come back to the car: will it still smell like urine tomorrow? Will the smell fade or gain strength overnight? Oh yeah -- can't write about this.
I would much rather write about some of the late night advertisements I've been seeing. Like the one for ExtenZe. Any product selling its merits on the premise that it is "real science" must be taken seriously. Ah, yes: real science. What really kills me about these ads is when the woman shakes her head at the camera while saying "make": "ExtenZe will make you bigger..." Why does she shake her head at that point of the sentence? To me, all these products have nothing to lose. What guy is going to complain that these products don't work? What if the company requires a measurement? Photographic evidence? This is free money, as far as I see it. Get a silly name; pay a brunette to wag her head in front of a camera; bam -- you're rich.
Or I could write about how I thought about attending Lollapalooza this summer. Pretty much all of the greatest bands of the moment will be there: Pearl Jam, The Black Keys, Modest Mouse, The Cribs, Spoon, The Fratellis, Chin Up Chin Up, Ryan Shaw, Ben Harper, The Satin Peaches, LCD, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Archid, and probably some more I am forgetting. It's at Grant Park over three days in August. I'm familiar with Grant Park. It's a big, open space. That's it. I'm sure there will be a couple tents, but that's all. So I figured that I could conn the wife into going with me, at least for a day, if not the full three. She's not as much of a trooper, as far as the whole rock concert thing, but I think I can convert her yet. And I know it will be hot. But it's all for rock and roll, so who cares? And, yes, I am getting old. Granted. But I'm not THAT old. I can still kick it with the Lolla kids for another year. I know the music. That's all that matters. So I went to the website:
Only $195.00 for a three-day pass.
I will not be kicking it with the Lolla kids at Grant Park this summer. But it's not just the money that bothers me. I know the sound quality is iffy at this place. And seats are only as good as you can walk up to (or stand and wait for). According to the Lolla people, there will be 8 -- count 'em -- 8 stages of music at this thing. I don't know how you squeeze that many stages at the park without the music running together and sounding like crap. Additionally . . . they don't even have the schedule set yet. They expect you to plop down a load of cash, not even knowing when (much less what day) band X is playing. Also, what if two bands I want to see are playing at the same time? That's what I get for my 200 smackeroos? Uh-uh. Playing around on the website, I see they also have "Lolla Lounge" tickets available for a mere $1,700. Or if you're Derek Jeter, they have "Private Cabanas" for anywhere from $32,500-$75,000. I don't know what else to call this but just fucking greedy.
I would also like to write about the phrase, "Pork meat shaped into ribs," but I seem to have run out of steam. I still come back to the car: will it still smell like urine tomorrow? Will the smell fade or gain strength overnight? Oh yeah -- can't write about this.
