Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Out of touch, out of mind.
I just got an email from a friend about my old team. I went through a few years after school in which I desperately missed cross country every day in late August and September. Still do to a lesser extent. At this point, as much as I still run, I'm too far away from being in that sharp, fast sort of shape to be 'eligible' to miss it as much. Anyway, I saw some of the pictures, and read some of the captions, and I guess I'm like everybody else. You look for your part in it, and it was quite small. Just a chain link of four years that gets passed over so quickly. I left having accomplished what I wanted to do. But the competitor in me, the guy who pushed so hard that whole time, made it such that I couldn't be satisfied. When you work for something so long, you don't remember the end of it -- only all the failure and missed chances leading up to it. I look at those pictures and feel bad about how misunderstood I probably made myself. And I hope I contributed to something. It just gets farther and farther away in my mind.
***
I'm so jacked about this weather, I can't even begin to write about it. For weeks now, I've been pinning everything on September, and here it finally is. About fucking time. And everybody's trying to rain on my parade with all their "summer's over" whining, as if the guys in masks were about to arrive with the Kool-Aid. Fuck them! This is the prime time. Football. Greatest running of the year. Flannel shirts and jeans. Fresh apples. And that smell of burning leaves everywhere.
***
With that stated, I do feel bad about the poor bastards back in school. Because it's really here, isn't it? Homework and tests. Lockers and pop quizzes. Study halls and pep rallies. Chalk boards and backpacks. Ice breakers and drama. There's no avoiding it. I'm sorry, kids. There's just no easy way through it. I wish there was one. And I'm here to tell you that you can't sugarcoat it. It's really as bad as you think. So don't be ashamed. It's just starting, so go ahead: bitch about it. I don't mind -- I'll read all you have to say about your loneliness and frustration. The worst part, to me, was the fire drills. All those people filing outside. You'd think it would be OK, being out of class for a while. But there's nothing more desolate than a big crowd of people. That's why I don't know how people do it at large schools. All those voices -- all rhythm and no lead. It's enough to put anyone to sleep. So . . . long story short, I sympathize, as petty as that may be.
***
Well, finally, people are seeing things my way. Yes, for the second year in a row, I've read articles criticizing MTV -- cultural cannibal that it is -- because it holds an awards show for music videos which it never airs. Fucking liars! "Music Television." What lying bastards! And the kids just lap it up, don't they? Well, at least we're not all fooled anymore.
***
An ex-sort of friend of mine just had a kid. And this is kind of funny because several of my old friends just had kids, so it could be either of them I'm writing about (so don't get any concrete ideas, you). But anyway, I do wonder how it's going and sincerely hope that it's all going well because kids, especially at that great young, young age -- that age so far before potty training -- is a lot of fun. Sure, they don't 'do' much. But to me, they're just the top of the muffin. So you have to feel good for the parents, wherever they may be.
***
I killed someone in a dream last night. First time I ever killed anyone in a dream. That I remember, anyway. I didn't know the woman, either. Just some random, dream thief. Actually, she wasn't really a thief, but was one of a group of home invaders in this little dream. But the story kept changing. In fact, the person I strangled even changed right there at the end. I'm actually OK with the ending. They deserved it. And it was the first dream I remember in which I took control and beat some ass. But it never would have happened if that old Chinese man hadn't lost his cool. I have him to thank.
***
Everyone's waiting for it to happen, but not saying anything about it. I think it should probably happen. I'm no junkie for gossip or anything. But if it's not working, it might as well end while they're still young. That's very shallow and 20th century of me, but sometimes it's just best to hit File < Exit. Sometimes you cannot change her mind. It would be so much easier if you could.
***
I'm finishing this Lion Stout, which is a decent beer that's grown on me a bit. But it's in a really heavy bottle, which is annoying because every time I have one of these, I feel like there's half a bottle left when I'm really finishing it. The glass of the bottle is that heavy. It's a good nightcapper, but I need to start pouring it in a glass.
***
I'm just about ready to start writing again. I just have to pick a project. It really could be three different things. But I think I know what it will be. I'm starting to lean, and I'm starting to think about it more and more. So that means the seeds are ready. It won't be long now.
***
"My thoughts were so alive."
***
I'm so jacked about this weather, I can't even begin to write about it. For weeks now, I've been pinning everything on September, and here it finally is. About fucking time. And everybody's trying to rain on my parade with all their "summer's over" whining, as if the guys in masks were about to arrive with the Kool-Aid. Fuck them! This is the prime time. Football. Greatest running of the year. Flannel shirts and jeans. Fresh apples. And that smell of burning leaves everywhere.
***
With that stated, I do feel bad about the poor bastards back in school. Because it's really here, isn't it? Homework and tests. Lockers and pop quizzes. Study halls and pep rallies. Chalk boards and backpacks. Ice breakers and drama. There's no avoiding it. I'm sorry, kids. There's just no easy way through it. I wish there was one. And I'm here to tell you that you can't sugarcoat it. It's really as bad as you think. So don't be ashamed. It's just starting, so go ahead: bitch about it. I don't mind -- I'll read all you have to say about your loneliness and frustration. The worst part, to me, was the fire drills. All those people filing outside. You'd think it would be OK, being out of class for a while. But there's nothing more desolate than a big crowd of people. That's why I don't know how people do it at large schools. All those voices -- all rhythm and no lead. It's enough to put anyone to sleep. So . . . long story short, I sympathize, as petty as that may be.
***
Well, finally, people are seeing things my way. Yes, for the second year in a row, I've read articles criticizing MTV -- cultural cannibal that it is -- because it holds an awards show for music videos which it never airs. Fucking liars! "Music Television." What lying bastards! And the kids just lap it up, don't they? Well, at least we're not all fooled anymore.
***
An ex-sort of friend of mine just had a kid. And this is kind of funny because several of my old friends just had kids, so it could be either of them I'm writing about (so don't get any concrete ideas, you). But anyway, I do wonder how it's going and sincerely hope that it's all going well because kids, especially at that great young, young age -- that age so far before potty training -- is a lot of fun. Sure, they don't 'do' much. But to me, they're just the top of the muffin. So you have to feel good for the parents, wherever they may be.
***
I killed someone in a dream last night. First time I ever killed anyone in a dream. That I remember, anyway. I didn't know the woman, either. Just some random, dream thief. Actually, she wasn't really a thief, but was one of a group of home invaders in this little dream. But the story kept changing. In fact, the person I strangled even changed right there at the end. I'm actually OK with the ending. They deserved it. And it was the first dream I remember in which I took control and beat some ass. But it never would have happened if that old Chinese man hadn't lost his cool. I have him to thank.
***
Everyone's waiting for it to happen, but not saying anything about it. I think it should probably happen. I'm no junkie for gossip or anything. But if it's not working, it might as well end while they're still young. That's very shallow and 20th century of me, but sometimes it's just best to hit File < Exit. Sometimes you cannot change her mind. It would be so much easier if you could.
***
I'm finishing this Lion Stout, which is a decent beer that's grown on me a bit. But it's in a really heavy bottle, which is annoying because every time I have one of these, I feel like there's half a bottle left when I'm really finishing it. The glass of the bottle is that heavy. It's a good nightcapper, but I need to start pouring it in a glass.
***
I'm just about ready to start writing again. I just have to pick a project. It really could be three different things. But I think I know what it will be. I'm starting to lean, and I'm starting to think about it more and more. So that means the seeds are ready. It won't be long now.
***
"My thoughts were so alive."
