Friday, February 29, 2008

Ham and Mushrooms 

Anyone who knows me -- even at the level of mere acquaintance -- knows that I dislike ham and mushrooms. And I can't figure out how that happened.

To me, my tastes are very reasonable. I've chosen two foods -- two out of the vast pantheon of edible items -- not to eat. Everything else is fair game. And it's been this way for almost my entire life. Early on I didn't go for olives, but that faded.

And sure, there are still foods I'm not crazy about. My mom always used to serve warm, cooked peas, straight. I wasn't a big fan. Peas themselves are OK. I like 'em cold as part of a salad. But on their own? Eh. I'll eat 'em. I just won't be so excited about it. Ham and mushrooms are the only foods I refuse to eat.

That is to state that -- if I'm at a fancy dinner party where they only serve ham as the main dish . . . yes, then I'm only eating appetizers. I don't think I should have to suffer through a dinner I'll hate. I've rejected two things on the planet. That's it. Nobody should take offense to that. It's two things. What about all those people who carry around a list of things they won't eat? And it's never a simple list, is it? It's got all sorts of clauses like, "anything creamy" or "anything tomato-based".

One of my co-workers got pizza with shrooms on it once, and another co-worker told him I wouldn't eat it. The first guy said, "What -- is he some sort of picky eater or something?" TWO THINGS! THAT'S NOT PICKY! And the guys at work are always getting pizzas with either ham or shrooms on them. Come on -- what ever happened to good old-fashioned pepperoni? Who thinks of pizza and gravitates to mushrooms? When did a slimy, stinking, mud-like vegetable become enticing?

What blows my mind is that so many people remember these two things about me. I don't remember what most people don't like. Everyone I meet seems to know that I hate these foods. Every once in a while, someone challenges me, saying I'm closed-minded, that I probably haven't tried ham or mushrooms in years and am holding out purely on memory. So I always will test in front of them. I have no problem proving that I still find them disgusting and that I'm just a consistent person.

My issue with ham is that it's got this awful, salty flavor. People invariably ask me if I eat bacon, and I do -- that's completely different, crispy and tasty. Ham brings on retching. Then I get the Canadian bacon question. Folks, Canadian bacon and prosciutto are just other words for HAM.

Mushrooms, I can take two different ways:
A.) They are not food. They are fungus, and not for human consumption.
B.) They're disgusting and horrendous. If forced to choose between a slice of ham and a half-bite of shroom, I reluctantly choose the ham every time.

Then I have to hear the nonsense about how mushrooms don't have any flavor. If that were true, WHY ARE THEY USED IN COOKING AT ALL? I can always tell one someone slips shrooms into spaghettis, lasagnas, or casseroles. I'll do my best to eat around them or push them to the side, but sometimes it's just not worth the effort.

I guess that would be my version of hell. Not necessarily a banquet full of ham and mushrooms. A banquet full of food I like, each dish infiltrated by ham or mushrooms, Satan laughing at me from the corner, little bits of ham and mushrooms stuck between his teeth.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?